


Five Years Gone

by Davechicken



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 18:10:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7724584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We’re here today with the couple everyone fears, admires and respects: Emperor Hux and his Knight Consort Kylo Ren. Since their wedding five years ago - at the foundation of our glorious Empire - they’ve been household names. And before that, they were known throughout the galaxy as the spearhead of the First Order. First: thank you both for talking to me."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Years Gone

_Transcript follows of a holo-interview. Unedited, unvetted._

**Interviewer:** We’re here today with the couple everyone fears, admires and respects: Emperor Hux and his Knight Consort Kylo Ren. Since their wedding five years ago - at the foundation of our glorious Empire - they’ve been household names. And before that, they were known throughout the galaxy as the spearhead of the First Order. First: thank you both for talking to me.

 **Hux:** It is always a pleasure to speak to the whole Empire.

 **Kylo:** You mean the ones who read gossip columns.

 **Interviewer:** (forced laughter)

 **Hux:** As I said:  _the whole Empire_.

 **Interviewer:** You two wowed everyone when you walked down the aisle. And - I must say - in such _beautiful_ outfits. 

 **Hux:** The finest dress uniform the galaxy has ever seen.

 **Kylo:** Do you want to know how long it took to lace those damn boots? And how long it took to _get them off again_?

 **Interviewer:** But they looked so stunning on you!

 **Kylo:** (under his breath) …looked better on the floor.

 **Interviewer:** But you two weren’t always happily wedded husbands, were you? Would you like to tell us a bit about that?

 **Kylo:** He hated me for five years.

 **Hux:** Who said I stopped after five? Or at all?

 **Kylo:** I’m pretty sure he tried to have me killed on twelve separate occasions.

 **Hux:** Who did you think was behind the other two hundred?

 **Kylo:** (shrugs) A lot of people hate me.

 **Interviewer:** Whoo! So, it wasn’t all hyperspeed travel for you?

 **Hux:** That would be a fair assessment, yes.

 **Kylo:** He didn’t ever actually manage to kill me, if that’s what you mean.

 **Hux:** It was a training exercise. 

 **Kylo:** Not for your assassins. They ended up dead.

 **Hux:** But you didn’t. From anyone else’s attempts. You’re welcome.

 **Interviewer:** So what changed your mind?

 **Hux:** Honestly, I can’t remember. We should probably get divorced.

 **Kylo:** I know precisely wha– HEY.

 **Hux:** (smiles sweetly)

 **Kylo:** Hux, I’m pretty sure everyone in the galaxy knows you’re gay for me, now. You did make a pretty big deal of our wedding.

 **Hux:** (wider smiling)

 **Interviewer:** So you went from killing to kissing?

 **Kylo:** And groping. And grabbing. And sucking. And–

 **Hux:** _I am very happy_.

 **Kylo:** (smug grin)

 **Hux:** (insufferably smug grin)

 **Interviewer:** Do you have any tips for the guy or gal out there who has their eye on someone who is trying to murder them?

 **Kylo:** Don’t die. And then make out a lot.

 **Hux:** And conversely make sure anyone you’re hoping to invest a lot of time and affection with has good survival instincts.

 **Kylo:** So you were trying to kill me to see if I’d be able to survive long enough to be a suitable husband?

 **Hux:** Plus you were really annoying. And I didn’t know you were so attractive under that stupid mask.

 **Kylo:** I’m touched.

 **Kylo:** Or I will be.

 **Hux:** (more smug grinning)

 **Interviewer:** Well, you heard it here first! Make sure your intended spouse isn’t prone to dying, and if they wear a face-covering mask… maybe find some way to take it off.

 **Kylo:** And always practice safe sex. Like, by putting the auto-pilot on.

 **Hux:** THAT WAS ONE TIME.

 **Kylo:** And do your Imperial duty or something, I dunno, he gave me notes but I forgot them.

 **Hux:** You’re insufferable.

 **Kylo:** (beaming) I know.

 **Interviewer:** Thank you, and goodnight!


End file.
